Dear Mum and Dad

Dear Mum and Dad,

Since I left college I have been remiss at writing and I am sorry for my thoughtlessness for not having written to you before.  I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on please sit down.  You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down.  Okay?

Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now.  The skull fracture and concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival here is pretty well healed now.  I only spent two weeks in hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get these sick headaches once a day.

Fortunately, an attendant at the gas station near the dorm witnessed the fire in the dormitory and my jump. He was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance.  He also visited me in hospital and since I have nowhere to live because of the burnt out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him.  It’s really a basement room, but it’s kind of cute.  He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married.  We haven’t got the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, mum and dad, I am pregnant.  I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care that you gave me when I was a child.  The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has a minor infection, which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood test after I carelessly caught it from him.

I know that you will welcome him into our family with open arms.  He is kind and, although not well educated, is ambitious. Although he is of different race and religion than ours, I know that your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by that.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a skull fracture or concussion, I was not in hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I am not infected, and there is no boyfriend in my life.  However I am getting a D in History and an F in Science and I want you to see those marks in their proper perspective.

Your Loving Daughter,