Insults of Intelligence

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A brain of feathers, and a heart of lead.

Alexander Pope

 

A mental midget with the IQ of a fence post.

Tom Waits

 

A wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits.

Alexander Pope

 

Did you eat a brain tumour for breakfast?

from “Heathers”

 

Differently clued.

Dave Clark

 

Doesn’t know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.

Josh Billing

 

End of season sale at the cerebral department.

Gareth Blackstock

 

Has the mathematical abilities of a Clydesdale.

David Letterman

 

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Abraham Lincoln

 

He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.

Robert Redford

 

He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.

Billy Wilder

 

He is brilliant – to the top of his boots.

David Lloyd George

 

He is so stupid you can’t trust him with an idea.

John Steinbeck

 

He is useless on top of the ground; he aught to be under it, inspiring the cabbages.

Mark Twain

 

He knew everything about literature except how to enjoy it.

Joseph Heller

 

He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.

George Bernard Shaw

 

He knows so little and knows it so fluently.

Ellen Glasgow

 

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.

Forrest Tucker

 

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Groucho Marx

 

He never chooses an opinion; he just wears whatever happens to be in style.

Leo Tolstoy

 

He never said a foolish thing nor never did a wise one.

Earl of Rochester

 

He not only overflowed with learning, but stood in the slop.

Sydney Smith

 

He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.

John Ruskin

 

He used statistics the way a drunkard uses lampposts – for support, not illumination.

Andrew Lang

 

He was born stupid, and greatly increased his birthright.

Samuel Butler

 

He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea and that was wrong.

Benjamin Disraeli

 

His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons.

Robin Williams

 

His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there’s scarcely a hole in it anywhere.

Mark Twain

 

His ignorance is encyclopaedic.

Abba Eban

 

His mind is so open – so open that ideas simply pass through it.

  1. H. Bradley

 

His mind is so open that the wind whistles through it.

Heywood Braun

 

I want to reach your mind – where is it currently located?

Ashleigh Brilliant

 

I wish I’d known you when you were alive.

Leonard Louis Levinson

 

I would not want to put him in charge of snake control in Ireland.

Eugene McCarthy

 

If he ever had a bright idea it would be beginner’s luck.

William Lashner “Veritas”

 

Little things affect little minds.

Benjamin Disraeli

 

Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world.

Van Jacobson

 

No more sense of direction than a bunch of firecrackers.

Rob Wagner

 

Please try not to be such a wiener-head.

Dave Barry

 

Sharp as a sack full of wet mice.

Foghorn Leghorn

 

She had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitute for wit.

  1. Somerset Maugham

 

She is a water bug on the surface of life.

Gloria Steinem

 

She’s descended from a long line her mother listened to.

Gypsy Rose Lee

 

Stay with me; I want to be alone.

Joey Adams

 

Teflon brain (nothing sticks.)

Lily Tomlin

 

That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting.

Douglas Adams

They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.

Thomas Brackett Reed

 

Useless as a pulled tooth.

Mary Roberts Rinehart

 

What has a tiny brain, a big mouth, and an opinion nobody cares about? You!

from “Murphy Brown”

 

What’s on your mind? If you’ll forgive the overstatement.

Fred Allen

 

When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?

David Letterman

 

While he was not dumber than an ox he was not any smarter either.

James Thurber

 

You look into his eyes, and you get the feeling someone else is driving.

David Letterman

 

You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Groucho Marx


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