Just Jokes

A chap developed a slight problem with his manhood which would NOT always respond as required. He took himself to The doctor who gave him a full and thorough examination. The doctor said it was quite a severe case BUT he had a treatment which involved injecting the thing with some elephant’s tissue. The cure was agreed and carried out with no problems.

 

After a while the man was impatient to know how it all worked so he took his squeeze out to a very romantic meal with loads of wine and sure enough after a couple of hours he felt an unusual stirring in his loins. And to his great surprise his manhood slipped out above the table, bent round and grabbed a bun which it slid back under the table. His girlfriend was mesmerised to the point where she asked if he could do that again? The man wondered for a moment and then replied, “I think I could do it again, but I am not sure if there is space for a second bun up by backside!”

 

*****

GOOD NEWS and BAD NEWS

The lawyer says to the Chairman: “I have good news and bad news.”

The Chairman replies: “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer says: “Your wife invested £20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of £2 million.”

The Chairman replies enthusiastically: “Well done, that is very good news indeed!

You’ve made my day; now what is the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary.”

*****

 

A Royal Navy Destroyer stops four immigrants in a boat, rowing towards Brighton .The captain gets on the loud hailer and shouts :”Ahoy, small craft, where are you heading?”

One of the immigrants stands up and shouts,”We are invading England!”

The crew of the Destroyer all start laughing and when the captain finally stops laughing, he gets back on the loud hailer and says, “Just the four of you?”

The immigrant stands up again and shouts, “No, we’re the last four. The rest are already there.”

*****

 

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and  says,”This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position and  we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry, we can’t hire you.”

 

“But wait,” the man says. “If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!”

 

“Really? Great! Show me!”

 

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills and stops winking.

 

“Well,” said the interviewer, “that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!”

 

“Womanizing ? What do you mean ? – Womanizing ? I’m a happily married man!”

 

“Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?”

 

“Oh, that,” he sighed.

 

“Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking and asked for aspirin?”

*****

 

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

 

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

 

“Don’t worry,” John said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

 

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

 

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

 

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, “Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?”

 

“Yes, I do,” said Keith.

 

“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

 

“Well, um, yes!” Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, “I have to admit that I did.”

 

“And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?”

 

Keith’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

 

“She just died and left me everything.”

*****

A tough looking group of bikers were out riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge… so they stopped and parked their Harleys. Their leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says,”What are you doing?”

The dentist pulls out a huge needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man’s tooth. “No way! No eedles. I hate needles,” the patient said.

 

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects, “I can’t do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!”

 

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

 

“No objection,” the patient says. “I’m fine with pills.”

 

The dentist then returns and says, “Here’s a Viagra tablet.”

 

The patient says, “Wow! I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”

 

“It doesn’t,” said the dentist, “but it’s going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.”

 

A 15-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.The boy asked, “What is this Father?”

 

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

 

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Go get your Mother.”

*****

A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss. She sent him a ‘Thank you note’ by email. Bosses wife read the email and filed for divorce.

The email says: “Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow, and a firm stroke. Initially its tip had to be licked to bring it to working order. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it. I’ve always desired it and you fulfilled my wish. Thanks a lot”

Moral: A “space” is an essential part in English

The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

 

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they’d never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

 

“Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward,” they said. “When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side.”

 

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,”Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales?”

 

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales .

“You are truly a wise vet,” they said.

 

“How did you know we got the cow from Wales?”

 

“The vet replied with a distant look in his eye, “My wife is from Wales”

*****

An old Pilot in his full flying outfit sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, “Are you a real pilot?”

 

He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Nieuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?”

 

She said, “I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.”

 

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, “Are you a real pilot?”

 

He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.”

 

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local nightclub. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation, and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the toilet?”

 

The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there, wearing only a fig leaf.”

 

“Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way.” said the nun.

 

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause! She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

 

“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender.

 

“Would you like a drink? It’s on the house.”

 

“No, thank you. But, I still don’t understand.” said the puzzled nun.

 

“Well, sister,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the figleaf on that statue in the restroom, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?”

 

*****

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn’t have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a ‘for sale’ sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

“Well, it’s quite simple, really,” says the seller, “whenever the bike is outside and it’s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.”

 

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

 

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, “I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.”

 

“No problem,” he says. And in they go.

 

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and makes advances. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and makes love right there, in front of her parents.

 

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. ‘She’s got a great body,’ he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

 

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father shouted, “I’ll do the dishes!”

 

*****

 

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this…

 

Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they’re too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for £350.00.

 

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren’t worth £350.00! When the clerk tells him £350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

 

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.

 

“But we didn’t use them,” the man complains.

 

“Well, they are here, and you could have,” explains the Manager.

 

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.

 

“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” complains the man again.

 

‘Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replies.

 

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, “But we didn’t use it!”

 

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But sir,” he says, “this check is only made out for £50.00.”

 

“That’s correct,” says the man. “I charged you £300.00 for sleeping with my wife.”

 

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.

 

“Well, too bad,” the man replies. “She was here and you could have!”

 

*****

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, ‘You must be in year four.’

‘No, madam,’ he replied. ‘I’m riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.”

 

*****

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser. He told his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”

 

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!”

 

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, “I know you weren’t foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.”

 

The loyal wife replied, “Listen, I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”

 

“You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?”

 

“I did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.”

 

*****

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

 

“No,” he replies, “Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.”

 

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

 

Bond explains, ” It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”

 

The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”

 

“Well, it says you’re not wearing any underwear…”

 

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I do have underwear on!”

 

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, “The thing is an hour fast.”

*****

 

I have a Labrador retriever. I was buying a large bag of Purina at Tesco and was in the queue to pay. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog? Duh…On impulse, I told her “no”, and that I was starting The Pedigree Diet again. Although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

 

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story. Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her “Hell no, I’d been sitting in the street licking my private parts when a truck hit me”.

*****

 

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.

 

Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

 

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: “Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”

 

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

 

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

 

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

 

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: “Happy Birthday!”

 

I fainted!

*****

Three competing Church Ministers – Church of England, Pentecostal and Rabbi – were discussing their duties and the various benefits of their different religious approaches. They decided that ordinary congregations were insufficiently taxing for an exhaustive competition. So they agreed to fly to Canada to test their skills on bears in the wilds. All ended in hospital.

 

The C of E minister, all bandaged and with limbs broken, said that after a good fight with a grizzly he managed to cover the animal with his Holy Water and finally convert him to the calm of Christianity.

 

The Pentecostal churchman was even more badly damaged, but had after a huge fight had rolled his grizzly into a nearby creek and baptized him under the water – thus calming him and converting him to Christianity.

 

The Rabbi was almost on death’s door with bandaging, drips and tubes everywhere. When questioned in intensive care about the outcome of his mission with his bear he murmured, ‘On deeper reflection he felt that his initial approach was wrong and given another chance he would not attempt circumcision!’

 

*****

A young Plymouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her. “You have so much to live for,” said the sailor. “Look, I’m off to America tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food everyday, and keep you happy.”

 

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to America, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

 

“What are you doing here?” asked the captain.

 

“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she replied.

 

“He brings me food and I get a free trip to America. Plus he’s taking advantage of me.”

 

“He certainly is taking advantage of you,” replied the captain. “This is the Dover to Calais Ferry”.

*****

 

Tommy Cooper Jokes

1. Two blondes walk into a building…you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message: “If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.”
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”

The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.
9. Two eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”
12. “Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.”

“That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”

“Is it common?”

“It’s not unusual.”

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”

“Well,” said the vet, “let’s have a look at him”

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”

“No, because he’s really heavy”

14. Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.”

“How’s that?”

“Don’t you start.”

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, “Can you give me a lift?”

I said, “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think it’s Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, “Your round.” The other one says “So are you, you fat bast**d!”
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places.”

The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”

23. Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

 

*****

The Pope and Rabbi Debate

 

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert, or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they would have to leave.

 

The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise, Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, Moishe spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, so they all agreed that it would be a “silent” debate.

 

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other a full minute before the Pope raised his hand. He showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back. He raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine, Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared he was beaten. Rabbi Moishe was too clever and the Jews could stay.

 

When asked what happened, the Pope said, “First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still but one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten, and I could not continue.”

 

Meanwhile, the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moishe. “How did you win the debate?” they asked.

 

“I haven’t a clue,” said Moishe. “First, he tells me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, and I said to him, ‘We’re staying right here.'”

 

“Then what happened?” asked a woman

.

“Who knows?” said Moishe. “He took out his lunch, so I took out mine.”

 

*****

There are three balloons; mummy, daddy and baby balloon. Every night the baby balloon sneaks in to the parents bed and goes to sleep in between them. Anyway it comes to the time when the parents have had enough and tell the now young balloon that enough is enough and he has to promise to stay in his own room. The young balloon regrettably agrees to this and goes to his room.

 

When night comes he sneaks into his parents room and tries to get in the middle like usual but his parents have spread out and there’s no room, so he thinks I know if I let some air out of my Dad then I should get in…so he lets some air out of his Dad and tries again, still he wont fit, so he thinks I’ll let some air out of Mum, does so and he still cant quite fit, so he then decides to let some air out of himself and squeezes in and has a fantastic warm sleep.

 

In the morning Daddy balloon wakes up and is infuriated and asks his son why he has broken his promise and the son replies that he can’t sleep in his room. The father sighs resignedly and says, “Do you realise what you have done? Well, do you?”

 

Wait for it… “You’ve let me down, you’ve let your Mum down and, worst of all, you’ve let yourself down.”

 

*****

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

 

Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

 

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up. All the other bells started to ring.

*****

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

 

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago.”

 

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

 

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at the convention?”

 

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

 

“Really?” he said, “and what kinds of myths are there?”

 

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

 

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all this with you. I don’t even know your name?”

 

“Tonto… Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Tex.”

 

*****

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The quite smaller one turned to the quite bigger one and said, “I jes can’t unnerstand hows you kin be so much bigger’n me. We’re the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.”

 

“Well,” said the big ‘gator, “What you been eatin’, boy?”

 

“Politicians – same as you,” replied the small ‘gator. “Hmmm. Well, where do y’all catch ’em?”

 

“Down ‘tother side of the old swamp near The parkin’ lot by the capitol.”

 

“Same here. Hmmm. How do you catch ’em?”

 

“Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexuses and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jumps out, grab ’em on the leg, shake the crap out of ’em, and eat ’em!”

 

“Ah!” says the big alligator, “I think I see your problem. You ain’t gettin’ any real nourishment. Ya see, by the time you get done shakin’ the crap out of a politician, there ain’t nothin’ left but a backside and a briefcase.”

*****

 

A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can’t place where he might know her from, so he says, “Sorry, do you know me?”

 

She replies “I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!”

 

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, “Crumbs!” he says “are you that fabulous stripogram on my stag night that I made love to on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your gorgeous mate whipped me with some wet celery and a cucumber?”

 

“No” she replies, “I’m your son’s English Teacher.”

*****

 

The Prime Minister was visiting a school; the teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word “tragedy.”

 

So the PM asked the class for an example of a “tragedy.” One little boy stood up and offered, “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy.”

 

“No,” said the PM, “that would be an accident.”

 

A little girl raised her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”

 

“I’m afraid not,” explained the PM. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”

 

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. The PM searched the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?”

 

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said, “If an aircraft carrying you, Prime Minister, was struck by a friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”

 

“Fantastic!” exclaimed the PM. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”

 

“Well,” says the boy, “it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”

*****

 

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation. A young nurse appears in his room to sponge his hands and feet. “Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?”

 

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, I’m only here to wash your hands and feet.”

 

He struggles again to ask, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”

 

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other hand, takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them!”

 

The man removes his oxygen mask and says very slowly, “That was really nice, but listen very, very closely, I will say this only one more time”

 

“Are…my…test…results…back?”

*****

 

A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks the cost of a tooth extraction. “$85 for an extraction, sir,” was the dentist’s reply.

 

“Och…have ye no got anything cheaper,” replies the Scotsman, getting agitated.

 

“But that’s the normal charge for an extraction, sir,” said the dentist.

 

“What about if ye dint use any anaesthetic?” asked the Scotsman, hopefully.

 

“Well it’s highly unusual, sir, and it could be quite painful, but if that’s what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70,” said the dentist.

 

“Hmmmm, what if yer used one of your dentist trainees, and still with no anaesthetic?” said the Scotsman.

 

“Well it’s possible, but they are in training, and I can’t guarantee their professionalism, and it will be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40,” said the dentist.

 

“Och…that’s still a bit much, how about if you make it a training session and have your student do the extraction with the other students watchin and learnin,” said the Scotsman, hopefully.

 

“Hmmmm, well okay. It’ll be good for the students I suppose. In that case I’ll charge you only $5,” said the dentist.

 

“Now yer talking laddie! It’s a deal,” said the Scotsman. “Can you confirm an appointment for me wife on Tuesday?”

 

*****

A report has been received that two traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident whilst checking for speeding motorists on the  A1 Great North Road, between Oldhamstocks and Grantshouse.

 

In early May, they were using a hand-held radar device to trap unwary motorists  on the Edinburgh to London trunk road. One of the unnamed officers used the device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill. He was somewhat surprised to find that the speed recorded was off the scale, in excess of 300 mph. The machine had then seized up and could not be reset by the bemused PCs.

 

The radar had in fact latched onto a NATO Tornado aircraft in the North Sea, which was taking part in a low flying exercise over the Borders and Southern Scotland. Following a complaint by Sir William Sutherland, Chief Constable of Lothian & Borders police to the RAF Liaison Office, it was revealed that the officers could be classed as ‘very fortunate’!

 

The tactical computer on board the Tornado had not only detected and jammed the hostile radar equipment, but had automatically armed a Sidewinder Air-to-Ground Missile, ready to neutralise the perceived threat.  Luckily the Dutch pilot was alerted to the missile status and was able to

over-ride the automatic protection system before the missile launched.

 

The Police have so far declined to comment, although it is understood that officers will be advised to point the radar guns inland, in future.

 

*****

Years ago I had a friend who told rather tall stories. He said he was walking down Piccadilly one day when he came to a traffic jam. One of the stationary vehicles in it was a large royal motor car in which were George V and Queen Mary. As he passed it he heard her say to the King, “Sit up George, and look like a king,”  to which he replied, “If you don’t stop nagging, I’ll get out and walk.”

*****

The sitting in the House of Lords had just finished and, as one of the lords came out of the chamber, he met a member of the House of Commons who knew him and said to him, “You’re a fraud aren’t you?”

 

“Why me?” asked the peer. “Because you have spent the afternoon debating public transport about which you know nothing. You have never been on a London bus or on the underground.”

 

The peer gave some thought to this criticism admitted to himself that it was true, and to remedy it. He went out of the Palace of Westminster, saw a stationary bus and jumped onto it without bothering to look at the number.

 

The conductor came along and asked him, “Where to, sir?”

 

“63a Belgrave Square, please,” answered the peer.

*****

 

Sir, I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for and we could all use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on recent talk programme I have finally found inner peace.

 

A well-respected doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I’d started and hadn’t finished; and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle Sauvignan Blanc, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Sambucca, a packet of chocolate digestives, the remainder of the Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake and a box of mints.  You have no idea how good I feel.

*****

 

A Scotsman climbs to the top of the highest mountain to get closer to talk to God. Looking up, he asks, “Lord, what does a million years mean to you?”

 

The Lord replies, “A minute.”

 

The Scotsman asks, “And what does a million pounds mean to you?”

 

The Lord replies, “A penny.”

 

The Scotsman asks, “Can I have a penny?”

 

The Lord replies, “In a minute.”

*****

 

Phil goes on holiday and leaves his favourite dog with his brother James. While away, Phil phones his brother to see how his dog is. Tersely, James says, “The dog is dead.”

 

“What?” says Phil, “you can’t just tell someone without warning, you have to break the news gently.”

 

“How?” asks James.

 

“Well, the first time I call, say the dog is on the roof, that it’s doing fine and not to worry. The next time say she jumped off the roof and broke a leg, that she’s OK, but will have to stay at the vet’s. Are you getting this?”

 

“Yes,” says James.

 

“Good,” says Phil. “The next time I call, tell me the dog’s wounds were infected and it died. Then it won’t be such a shock to me, Got it?”

 

“Yes,” says James.

 

“By the way,” says Phil. “How’s grandma doing?”

“Well,” James says, “she’s on the roof…”

 

*****

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

 

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

 

“They only know how to say, “Hi, we’re hookers. Want to have some fun?”

 

“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray.”

 

“Thank you!” the woman responded.

 

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, “Hi, we’re hookers, want to have some fun?”

 

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says,”Put the beads away, George. Our prayers have been answered.”

 

*****

Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test.

 

The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man’s fundamentals. In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.

 

*Ting-a-ling*

 

“Oh, Patrick,” says the Monsignor, “I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness.”

 

The candidate leaves.

 

The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops:

 

*Ting-a-ling*

 

“Joseph, Joseph, “sighs the Monsignor. “You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness.”

 

The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response. Finally, exhausted, she quits.

 

“Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you,” says the Monsignor. “Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers.”

 

*Ting-a-ling*

 

*****

A Welshman, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking even better to the Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Welshman took his arm away. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks past, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful the Welshman had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening ritual.

It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze. Perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get “those feelings” again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously he whispered in her ear, “Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”

*****

 

A man goes to the doctors and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me, it’s my leg – it keeps shouting at me and demanding money”

 

The doctor puts his stethoscope at the top of the man’s leg and listens. The leg shouts, “Give me ’20! Go on, please, I’m skint.”

 

The doctor jumps back in amazement. He does the same at the knee and it asked for ’15 and then the ankle and is asked for ’10.

The doctor turns to the man and says, “I’ve never seen anything like this in all my career, but I can tell you what’s wrong. Your leg is broke in three places.”

*****

 

A man walks into a chemist and asks for a packet of condoms. Laughing, he thanks the chemist and leaves.

The man repeats this for the next two weeks. Again, laughing and thanking the chemist. Becoming suspicious, the chemist asks his assistant to follow the man and see where he goes. When he returns, he’s laughing and tells the chemist, ‘your house’.

 

*****

Mary and Sheila were outside their old people’s nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. Sheila pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Mary: “What’s that?”

Sheila: “A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.”

Mary: “Where did you get it?”

Sheila: “You can get them at any chemist.”

The next day, Mary hobbles into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Mary: “Doesn’t matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.”

The pharmacist fainted.

 

*****

A woman goes into a Pet Shop and sees the most fantastic parrot ever. She asks how much it is. The guy says, “It’s not for sale. It’s been causing problems because of language, which probably comes from where it used to live.”

 

The woman insists saying she is not bothered by the swearing, offers the guy ‘300, he takes it, and she leaves with the parrot. The parrot gets to the house, settles in and says, “Ah new house, New Madam.”

The woman thinks ah this parrot used to live in a brothel…not so bad.

With that her two daughters arrive and the parrot says, ‘Ah New house, New Girls.’

They all titter and think it’s quite funny. Then the husband comes home and the parrot says ‘Hi Andy how are you doing?’

*****

 

A man goes to work with both his ears bandaged. His boss asks, “What happened?”

The man says, “I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron.”

“And what happened to the other ear?”

Well, I had to call the doctor.

 

*****

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she’s 97 years old and we don’t know where the hell she is.

 

*****

A man was sent to court for drunk and disorderly conduct. The judge enquired where the defendant worked.

“Here and there,” he replied.

“And what do you do for a living?”

“This and that” came the answer.

The judge turned to a policeman and instructed him to take the man straight to jail.

Wait,” implored the accused, “when will I come out?”

“Sooner or later,” was the reply.

 

*****

Shipwrecked on an island were a young wife, her boorish husband and a good looking sailor. One morning the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled,  “Stop making love down there!”

“What’s the matter with you?” asked the husband when he sailor came back down.  “We weren’t making love.”

“Sorry” said the sailor, “from up there it looked as if you were.”

Every morning after that, the sailor scaled the tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top;

“He’s right,” said the husband. “It does look as if they’re making love down there.”

*****

A man is sitting at a bar drowning his sorrows, when the barman asks why he’s so glum.  He explains that he is going to live in Australia and that his friends are throwing a big party. There’ll be singing and dancing all through the night. They’ve even laid on a firework display.  “But why would that depress you?” asked the bemused barman.

“Well,” the man replied, “I haven’t been invited.”

 

*****

Recipe for Happiness

1. A good looking partner
2. A good sexual partner
3. A frugal partner
4. That they never meet!

 

*****

The Managing Director calls solicitor and asks, “How much would you charge me to answer three questions?”

Lawyer: “Four hundred pounds.”

M.D: “That’s a lot of money isn’t it?”

Lawyer: What is your third question?

 

*****

Plane waiting to take off . All passengers are safely aboard. Delay is for pilots. Pilots arrive with white stick and guide dog. Passengers laugh, but are anxious. As plane goes down runway towards sea, they all scream, but plane takes off. Passengers settle back down assuming they were over anxious. Later in flight the pilot turns to co-pilot and says, “You know one of these days we won’t be so lucky…and the passengers won’t scream!”

 

*****

Guy gets hit on head by wife. “What is that for?” he says

“I found a note in your trousers with Mary Lou on it.”

“That is name of horse I bet on,” says her husband.

“Oh, so sorry,” says his wife.

Hit again on head days later.

“What is that for?” shouts her husband

“Your horse rang!”

 

*****

Walking in bear country can be dangerous. Wear bells and carry pepper spray. Note bear droppings. Brown bears have berries and squirrel fur in them. Grizzlies have bells and pepper spray in them.

 

*****

The preacher was preaching with all his might. The subject was SIN, and he was ‘against’ it. A girl, with a wonderful figure, and not nearly enough clothes, came in late. She strode down the centre of the aisle, close to the front, and sat down. It was plain to the preacher that he had lost a little over 100% of the men in his audience to this voluptuous object. He shook a fist at her and said, “You are the Jezebel the good book tells us about. You have got the mind of every man in this building on evil thoughts, and not good thoughts. But I am a man of God! You don’t affect me, and right now up in Heaven, Saint Finger is shaking his Peter at you!”

 

*****

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labour pain to the FATHER. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.

 

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands’ blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

 

At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

 

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.

 

*****

A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. “I know you’ve been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?”

 

The husband replied, “Look, I don’t want to upset you, there were many. Let’s just leave it alone.”

 

The wife continued to beg and plead. Finally, the husband gave in.”Let’s see.” he said “There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine…”

 

*****

A man takes his wife to the county agricultural show. They start heading down the stalls that house all the bulls. The sign on the first bull’s stall states: “This bull mated 50 times last year.”

The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year, isn’t that nice!”

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 65 times last year.”

The wife turns to her husband and says, “This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!”

 

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: “This bull mated 365 times last year.”

 

The wife’s mouth drops open and says, “Wow! He mated 365 times last year. That is once a day! You could really learn from this one.”

 

The fed up man turns to his wife and says, “Go up and ask if it was the same cow every day.”

 

*****

A young Jewish couple took their three-year-old son to doctor Cohen. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small private parts. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him bagels with cream cheese. That should solve the problem.”

 

The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm bagels and cream cheese in the middle of the table.

 

“Gee, mommy,” the boy exclaimed. “All for me?”

 

“Just take one,” his mother replied. “The rest are for your father.”

 

 

*****

Jim and Jean decided that the only way to pull off any Sunday afternoon peace together with their nine-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

 

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plans into operation. “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said. “An ambulance just drove by.”

 

A few moments passed. “Looks like the Smiths have company,” he called out, “Matt’s riding a new bike and the Sanders are in their bedroom.”

 

Jim and Jean shouted out “How do you know that?”

 

“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.

 

*****

A couple, both age 78, went to a therapist’s office.

The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have intercourse?”

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them ’50.

 

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

 

Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

 

The old man said, “We’re not really trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges ’90. The Hilton charges ’80. We do it here for ’50, and I get ’43 back from BUPA.”

 

 

*****

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, “Sheila, what the hell d’ya think you’re doing?”

 

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, “G’day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I’m gonna kill myself.”

 

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. “Sheila,” he says “Not only are you great in bed, but you’re a real sport too.” and drives off.

 

*****

FROM AN AUTHENTIC LETTER SENT TO DEAR DEIRDRE ADVICE COLUMN

 

I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South Auckland and one of my sisters, who lives in Rotorua, is married to a guy from Cairns. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in prison for the rape and murder of a teenage boy, the other currently being held on remand centre on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time “working girl” in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

 

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being an Aussie ?

*****

 

A 90-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check up. The doctor asked him how he’s feeling. The 90-year-old says, “I’ve never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”

 

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins, “I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime bear sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went, ‘Bang, bang and the bear fell over dead. What do you think of that?”

 

The 90-year-old said, “I’d say somebody else shot that bear.”

 

The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

 

*****

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting at a cafe, the little old man says, “Remember the first time I met you over 50 yrs ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and we made passionate love.”

 

“Why, yes, I remember it well, dear,” replies the little old lady with a grin.

 

“Well, for old times’ sake, let’s go there again, and try again.”

 

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard their conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to follow the two old pensioners. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady gets herself ready and the reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic action the man has ever seen.

 

The little old folk set a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don’t move for an hour. Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this – not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, “If only I could carry on like that now, let alone in 50 years’ time!”

 

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioners. He says, “Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody act like that, particularly at your age. What’s your secret? Was it like that 50 years ago?”

 

The pensioner replies, “Son, 50 years ago, that fence wasn’t electrified!”

*****

The Burgs’ were shown into the dentist’s office, where Mr. Burg made it clear he was in a big hurry.

“No fancy stuff, Doctor,” he ordered.

“No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.”

“I wish more of my patients were as easy as you,” said the dentist. “Now, which tooth is it?”

Mr. Burg turned to his wife Bonnie.

“Show him your tooth, Honey.”

 

*****

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.

 

“Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he’s in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Do not burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don’t discuss your problems with him it will only make him stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of sporting event on T.V. And most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

 

“If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

 

On the way home the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”

 

“You’re going to die.” she replied.

*****

John invited his mother over for dinner to meet his roommate. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how beautiful John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this only made her more curious.

 

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his roommate that met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.”

 

About a week later, Julie came to John saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find my beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

 

“Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her, just to be sure.”

 

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother,

I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the gravy ladle from my house, I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love John

 

Several days later, John received an email from his mother which read:

Dear Son,

I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love Mom

 

*****

“Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work.”

 

So I says: “You know Charlie I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me love. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that.”

 

Two hours later Charlie calls: “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon.  You got nice house!”

 

*****

While riding one day a cowboy met an Indian riding along on his horse with a dog and a sheep and began a conversation.

Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?”

Indian: “Dog no talk.”

Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”

Dog: “Doin’ alright.”

Indian: *look of shock*

Cowboy: “Is this Indian your owner?” pointing at the Indian.

Dog: “Yep”

Cowboy: “How does he treat you?”

Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

Indian: (look of total disbelief)

Cowboy:  “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Indian: “Horse no talk.”

Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”

Horse: “Cool.”

Indian: Extreme look of shock.

Cowboy: “Is this your owner? (Pointing at the Indian.)

Horse: “Yes sir”

Cowboy: “How’s he treating you?”

Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me.”

Indian: (Total look of utter amazement.)

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

Indian: “Sheep liar.”

*****

A defence lawyer was cross-examining a Chicago police officer during a felony trial-it went like this:

1. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
2. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
3. Officer, who provided this description?
4. The officer who responded to the scene.
5. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
6. Yes sir, with my life.
7. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer-do you have a locker room in the police station – a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
8. Yes sir, we do.
9. And do you have a locker in that room?
10. Yes sir, I do.
11. And do you have a lock on your locker?
12. Yes sir.
13. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
14. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

 

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

 

*****

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. When he found the MD standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

 

“Listen,” said the MD, “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?”

 

“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

 

“Excellent, excellent!” said the MD as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

 

Lesson learnt:

Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.

 

*****

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when  the American turned to the Japanese and asked, “What kind of -ese are you?”

The Japanese confused, replied, “Sorry but I don’t understand what you mean.”

The American repeated, “What kind of -ese are you?”

Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.

The American, now irritated, then yell, “What kind of -ese are you? Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, etc…”

The Japanese then replied, “Oh, I am a Japanese.”

A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of ‘ -key’ was he. The American, frustrated, yelled,”What do you mean what kind of ‘-key’ am I ?!”

The Japanese said, “Are you a monkey, donkey or a Yankee?”

 

Lesson: Never insult anyone.

 

*****

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr Schwartz, he made an amazing discovery Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

 

“I’m sorry, Mr Schwartz,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like  this. It has to be saved for posterity.”

 

And with that the coroner used his scalpel to remove the dead man’s privates. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. “I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said, opening his briefcase.

 

“Oh, my God!” she screamed, “Schwartz is dead!”

 

*****

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry!” she said. “Stand in the corner!”

 

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”

 

“What’s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.

 

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too.”

 

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around 2 a.m., the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. “Here,” he said to the statue,”eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths’ for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.”

 

*****

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bartender and asks for a beer. “Certainly, sir,” replies the bartender. “That’ll be 1 penny.”

“ONE PENNY!” exclaims the customer.

The barman replies, “Yes.”

So the guy glances over the menu and asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak with chips, peas and a fried egg?”

“Certainly, sir,” replies the bartender, “but all that comes to real money.”

“How much money?” inquires the guy.

“Four pennies,” the bartender replies.

“FOUR PENNIES!” exclaims the guy. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”

The bartender replies, “Upstairs with my wife.”

The guy asks, “What’s he doing with your wife?”

The bartender replies, “Same as I’m doing to his business.”

 

*****

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly, “My darling Becky,” he whispered.

 

“Hush, my love,” she said. “Rest. Shhh, don’t talk.”

 

He was insistent. “Becky,” he said in his tired voice, “I have something I must confess to you.”

 

“There’s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Becky.

“Everything’s all right. Go to sleep.”

 

“No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!”

“I know,” Becky whispered softly, “That’s why I poisoned you.”

*****

 

An elderly gent was invited to his old friend’s home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms – “Honey,” “My Love,” “Darling,” “Sweetheart,” “Pumpkin,” etc.

 

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, “I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.”

 

The old man hung his head. “I have to tell you the truth,” he said. “I forgot her name about 10 years ago.”

 

*****

A man was celebrating his 90th birthday when he answered a knock at the door. There was a beautiful blonde in a leather coat who gave him a kiss and wished him Happy Birthday. Then she said, “I’ve come to offer you super sex.”

 

He faltered for a moment before replying, “I’ll take the soup first please, then we can see how we go. Some years back things would have been very different”.

*****

A plane is on its way to London when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to London and I’m staying right here!”

 

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won’t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

 

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to London and I’m staying right here!”

 

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason. The pilot says, “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”

 

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

 

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. “I told her First Class isn’t going to London.”

*****

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”

 

The mother says, “It’s my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”

 

The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant – about 4 months, would be my guess.”

 

The mother says, “Pregnant? She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Debbie?” Debbie says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”

 

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there doctor?”

 

The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. And there’s no way I’m going to miss it!”

 

*****

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read: “Don’t Miss The Amazing Italian.”

 

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian. Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.

 

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, “Don’t Miss The Amazing Italian.”

 

He couldn’t believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the huge ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. “You’re incredible!” he told the Italian, “But I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?”

“Well,” said the Italian, “My eyes aren’t what they used to be.”

 

*****

Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor’s office to collect her husband’s test results. The lab tech says to her, “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there has been a big mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent your husband’s samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband’s. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible.”

 

“What do you mean?” Mrs. Ward asked.

 

“Well, one has tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your husband.”

 

“That’s terrible! Can we do the test over?” questioned Mrs. Ward.

 

“Normally, yes. But the NHS won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”

 

“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”

 

“The people at the Hospital recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t share a bed with him.”

 

*****

There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and beautiful young woman sitting together in a carriage in a train going through a France. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and, as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Suddenly there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel the woman and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face where he had been slapped.

 

The Frenchman was thinking: “The English fella must have kissed her and she missed him and slapped me instead.” The woman was thinking: “The French fellow must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.”

 

And the Englishman was thinking: “This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make another kissing noise and slap that Frenchman again.”

 

*****

After getting all of Pope John Paul’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

 

“Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver, “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”

 

“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.”

 

“I’m sorry but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! And what if something should happen?” Protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.

 

“There might be something extra in it for you,” says the Pope.

 

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

 

“Please slow down, Your Holiness!” pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

 

“Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my licence,” moans the driver.

 

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. “I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher.

 

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

 

“So bust him,” says the Chief.

 

“I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important, ” said the cop.

 

The Chief exclaimed, “All the more reason!”

 

“No, I mean really important,” said the cop.

 

The Chief then asked, “Who ya got there, the Mayor?”

 

Cop: “Bigger”

 

Chief: “Governor”

 

Cop: “Bigger”

 

“Well,” said the Chief, “Who is it?”

 

Cop: “I think it’s God!”

 

Chief. “What makes you think it’s God?”

 

Cop. “He’s got the Pope as his chauffeur!’

 

*****

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

 

First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”

Second guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”

Third guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”

 

They continued to fish, then they realised that the fourth guy has not said a word, so they ask him,”You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?”

 

Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, “Fishing or Sex?” and she said, “Wear a Sweater it is cold out there”

 

*****

A young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. “Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”

 

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

 

The doctor says, “You’re not really a redhead are you?”

 

“No,” she says, “I’m actually a blonde.”

 

I thought so,” the doctor says. “Your finger is broken…”

 

*****

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea – one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, “I’m fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten.”

 

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, “Your wish is granted”, and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

 

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn’t realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

 

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn’t see his old pal. “Where’s Christian?” he asked. “He’s at home, still distraught

that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark”, came the reply.

 

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian’s abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.”

 

Christian replied, “No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re now a shark, the enemy, and I’ll not be tricked into being your dinner.”

 

Justin cried back “No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed. I’ve found Cod. I’m a prawn again Christian”.

 

*****

Billy was at school this morning in the outback and the teacher asked all the children what there fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.  “My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.”

 

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

 

“No” said Billy, “He plays cricket for Australia but I was just too embarrassed to say.”

 

*****

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

 

“Breast-fed” she replied.

 

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered. She did.

 

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”

 

“I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.”

 

*****

A Polish man emigrated to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him – “very quick.”

The lawyer said that the speed for

getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:-

LAWYER: “Have you any grounds?”

POLE: “Ja, Ja, acre and half, and nice little home.”

LAWYER: “No,” I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

POLE: “It made of concrete.”

LAWYER: “Does either of you have a real grudge?”

POLE: “No, we have carport, and not need one.”

LAWYER: “I mean, what are your relations like?”

POLE: “All my relations still in Poland.”

LAWYER: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

POLE: “Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player.”

LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?”

POLE: “No, I always up before her.”

LAWYER: “Is your wife a nagger?”

POLE: “No, she white.”

LAWYER: “WHY do you want this divorce?”

POLE: “She going to kill me.”

LAWYER: “What makes you think that?”

POLE: “I got ze proof.”

LAWYER: “What kind of proof?”

POLE: “She going poison me…..” “She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, ‘Polish Remover’.”

 

*****

An elderly Italian man, who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, “Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic.”

The priest replied, “That was a heroic thing you did, my son! And you   have no need to confess that.”

“It’s worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours.”

The priest said, “By doing that, you were both committing sin. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted. But, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”

“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question ”

“And what is that?” asked the priest.

“Should I tell her the war is over?”

*****

God said, “Adam, I want you to do something for me.”

Adam said, ‘”Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?”

God said, “Go down into that valley.”

Adam said, “What’s a valley?”

God explained it to him. Then God said, “Cross the river.”

Adam said, “What’s a river?”

God explained that to him, and then said, “Go over to the hill…”

Adam said, ‘What is a hill?’

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, “On the other side of the hill you will find a

cave.”

Adam said, “What’s a cave?”

After God explained, he said, “In the cave, you will find a woman.”

Adam said, “What’s a woman?”

So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, “I want you to reproduce.”

Adam said, “How do I do that?”

God first said (under His breath), “Geez…..” And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam as well.

 

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back. God, His patience

Wearing thin, said angrily, ‘What is it now?’

 

And Adam said, “What’s a headache?”

*****