Just Golf

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf. One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His mates all chimed in said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority – figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning.”

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off of.”

The second guy says, “I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”

The third guy says: “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

“ I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning – golf course or intercourse?”

She said, “Don’t forget your hat.”

 

 *****

 

Some friends have been going on the same golf trip for many years. This year, Peter’s wife puts her foot down and tells him that he isn’t going. Bitterly disappointed he phones and tells the others that he can’t make it.

 

Two days later, the other golfers get to the hotel only to find him sitting in the bar. “So Peter, how did you talk your missus into letting you come?”

 

“Well, yesterday evening, after my wife finished reading Fifty Shades Of Grey, she dragged me into our bedroom, and the bed was covered in handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and handcuff her to the bed, so I did. Then she said, “Do whatever you want.”

 

“So, here I am!”

*****

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer’s ball beside him.

 

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

“Arrgh! What happened?” the leprechaun asked.

 

“I’m afraid I hit you with my golf ball,” the golfer says.

 

“Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?”

 

“Thank God you’re all right!” the golfer answers in relief. “I don’t want anything, I’m just glad you’re okay, and I apologise.”

 

And the golfer walks off.

 

“What a nice guy,” the leprechaun says to himself. “I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things I would want: A great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.”

 

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the leprechaun is there waiting for him.

 

“Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,” the little guy says. “I just want to ask ye, how’s yer golf game?”

“My game is fantastic!” the golfer answers. “I’m an internationally famous golfer now.”

 

He adds, “By the way, it’s good to see you’re all right.”

 

“Oh, I’m fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how’s yer money situation?”

 

“Why, it’s just wonderful!” the golfer states. “When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out EUR 100 bills I didn’t even know were there!”

 

“I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how’s yer sex life?”

 

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, “It’s okay.”

 

“C’mon, c’mon now,” urged the leprechaun, “I’m wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?”

 

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, “Once, sometimes twice a week.”

 

“What?” responds the Leprechaun in shock. “That’s all? Only once or twice a week?”

 

“Well,” says the golfer, “I figure that’s not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”

*****

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex and golf after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

 

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact.

 

“Marion…Marion…”

 

“Is that you, Bob?”

 

“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”

 

“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”

 

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you’d be proud – lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to golf course again. Then it’s more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”

 

“Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?”

 

“No…I’m a rabbit in Arizona.”

*****

A man had two of the best tickets for the Ryder Cup. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. “No”, he says, “the seat is empty.”

 

“This is incredible!” said the man, “who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Ryder Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the golfing world and not use it?”

 

He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Ryder Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married.”

 

“Oh… I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. I guess you couldn’t find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?”

 

The man shakes his head, “No. They’re all at the funeral.”

*****

Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway. “Sixty is the worst age to be,” says the 60-year-old, “You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens.”

 

“Ah, that’s nothing,” says the 70-year-old. “When you’re 70, you don’t have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the lavatory all day and nothing happens.”

 

“Actually,” says the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”

 

“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asks the 60-year-old.

 

“No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse, no problem at all.”

 

“Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?”

“No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am.”

 

Puzzled by this, the 60-yar-old says, “Let’s get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and poop every morning at 6.30 am. So what’s so tough about being 80?”

 

“I don’t wake up until seven.”

*****

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

 

My name is John. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Anne to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

 

Although she knows how hungry I am after a good game of golf, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the golf club restaurant so eating out is not reasonable. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

 

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

 

Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take ’em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any – if you know what I mean. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

 

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

 

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Anne. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

 

Signed, John

 

EDITOR’S NOTE:

John died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely five inches of grip showing, and a sledgehammer laying nearby. His wife, Anne, was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her not guilty, accepting her defense that John, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

*****

Ellen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Ellen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect; lack of intimacy; emptiness; loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable; an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

 

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Ellen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband

Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Ellen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

 

The therapist turned to Bob and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”

 

Bob thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Fridays, but on Wednesday I play golf.”

*****

A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and goodbye grandpa.”

 

The father asked, “Why did you say goodbye grandpa?”

 

The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”

 

The next day grandpa died.

 

The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: “God bless mommy, God bless daddy and goodbye grandma.”

The next day the grandmother died.

 

“Holy Moley,” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”

 

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, “God bless mummy and goodbye daddy.”

 

He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

 

When he got home his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?”

 

He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”

 

She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me this morning. My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson.”

*****

A man and his wife walked into a dentist’s office. The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it.

 

“We have a 10:00am tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30am already – I don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!’”

 

The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.”

 

So the dentist asks him, “Which tooth is it sir?”

 

The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth, honey, and show him.”

*****

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship.”

 

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

 

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a good cigar?”

 

“Ten years,” replied the amazed Irishman.

 

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh packet of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. “Faith and begorrah,” said the castaway, “that is so good! I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!”

 

“And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Bushmill’s Irish Whiskey?” asked the blonde.

 

Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years.”

 

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

 

He opened the flask and took a long drink. “’Tis nectar of the gods!” shouted the Irishman. “’Tis truly fantastic!”

 

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, “And how long has it been since you played around?”

 

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, “Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there too!”

*****

Two men were playing golf on a course right next to a cemetery.  After they teed off, one of them noticed a funeral procession passing by.  So he takes off his hat, places it over his heart and bows his head.  When the funeral is over the other golfer looks at his friend and says, ‘That was a very nice gesture, why did you do it?”

 

The man replies, “Well, we were married for almost 40 years.  It is the least that I could do.”

*****

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know.  In all of these 50 years have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

 

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.  Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”

 

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected.  Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?”

 

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage.  Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

 

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that.  You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

 

Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed?  Well I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

 

“I recall that,” said Henry.  “And you did it to save my life, so I of course I can forgive you for that.  Now tell me about the third time.”

 

“All right”, Martha said.  “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

*****

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, “I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.” So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

 

A warm voice said, “Come on in.” When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

 

A large man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke my window?”

 

“Uh…yeah, sir. We’re sure sorry about that,” the husband replied.

 

“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself.”

 

“Wow, that’s great!” the husband said.

 

He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”

 

“No problem,” said the genie. “You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?”

 

“I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said.

 

“Consider it done,” the genie said.

 

“And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!”

 

“And now,” the couple asked in unison, “what’s your wish, genie?”

 

“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to make love with your wife!”

 

The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?”

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?”

 

“You know I love you sweetheart,” said the husband. “I’d do the same for you!”

 

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop love, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, “How old are you and your husband?”

 

“Why, we’re both 35,” she responded breathlessly.

 

“No kidding,” he said. “Thirty-five years old…and both of you still believe in genies?”

*****

A man staggers into an emergency room with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

 

“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

 

“I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it – stuck right in the middle of the cow’s backside.”

 

“That’s when I made my big mistake.”

 

“What did you do?” asks the doctor. ”

 

“Well, I lifted the cow’s tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’ I don’t remember much after that.”

*****

A lady golfer had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

 

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, “Why are you back in so early? What’s wrong?”

 

“I was stung by a bee,” she said.

 

“Where?” he asked.

 

“Between the first and second hole,” she replied.

 

He nodded knowingly and said, “Then your stance is too wide.”

*****

After George was hired into a new job, his fellow employees, who always met for a round of golf every Saturday, invited him to join them. They asked George to meet them at 10:00am on Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but that he may be six minutes late.

 

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00am. He golfed right-handed and won the round. The following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but again says he may be six minutes late.

 

He shows up right on time, golf’s left-handed and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be six minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right-handed.

The other employees were getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ”George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf either right-handed or left- handed, and always win. What’s up with that?”

 

George replied, ”Well, I’m a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left-handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right-handed.”

 

”Well,” one of the employees questioned, ”what happens if she is lying on her back?”

 

George replies, ”Then I’m six minutes late.”

*****

TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY – HER SIDE OF THE STORY

 

My husband was in an odd mood on Saturday night. We planned to meet at a cafe for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn’t say anything about it. I don’t remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could tell there was something wrong.

The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off to someplace intimate so we could talk more privately.

 

We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me? I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him. Was it me or something else?

 

I asked him if he was upset with me, he said, ‘no’. But I wasn’t really sure. In the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn’t know what the heck that meant because, you know, he didn’t say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me!

 

So I tried to get him to talk, but he just switched on the TV.  Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about ten minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love.

 

But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I wanted to confront him but didn’t, so I just cried myself to sleep. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he’s seeing someone else.

 

HIS SIDE OF THE STORY

Played badly today – shot 87 – can’t drive the ball! Felt kind of tired. Got laid though.

*****

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. “Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt,” the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, “Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your love life?”

 

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, “Sure,” and sinks the putt.

 

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, “Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one.”

 

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, “Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your love life?”

 

Shrugging, the golfer replies, “Okay.” And he makes an eagle.

 

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your love life?”

 

“Definitely,” the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

 

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, “I haven’t really been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m the devil, and from this day forward you will have no love life.”

 

“Nice to meet you,” the golfer replies, “I’m Father O’Malley.”