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A Yorkshireman calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Dad, what are you talking about?'” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister and tell her.”
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”
She calls immediately and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Done! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.”
*****
On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me:
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me:
Three punctured ornaments;
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me:
Four broken window candles;
Three punctured ornaments;
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me:
Five chewed-up stockings;
Four broken window candles;
Three punctured ornaments;
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me:
Six yards of soggy ribbon;
Five chewed-up stockings;
Four broken window candles;
Three punctured ornaments;
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me:
Seven scraps of wrapping paper;
Six yards of soggy ribbon;
Five chewed-up stockings;
Four broken window candles;
Three punctured ornaments;
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the eighth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me:
Eight tiny reindeer fragments;
Seven scraps of wrapping paper;
Six yards of soggy ribbon;
Five chewed-up stockings;
Four broken window candles;
Three punctured ornaments;
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the ninth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me:
My wreath in nine pieces;
Eight tiny reindeer fragments;
Seven scraps of wrapping paper;
Six yards of soggy ribbon;
Five chewed-up stockings;
Four broken window candles;
Three punctured ornaments;
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the tenth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me:
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed;
My wreath in nine pieces;
Eight tiny reindeer fragments;
Seven scraps of wrapping paper;
Six yards of soggy ribbon;
Five chewed-up stockings;
Four broken window candles;
Three punctured ornaments;
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me:
Eleven unwrapped presents;
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed;
My wreath in nine pieces;
Eight tiny reindeer fragments;
Seven scraps of wrapping paper;
Six yards of soggy ribbon;
Five chewed-up stockings;
Four broken window candles;
Three punctured ornaments;
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me;
A dozen puppy kisses, and I forgot all about the other eleven days.
*****
When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this!
*****
T’was the Season of Yule
Young Charlie Stopped for a stool
The Old Bean down he went
The bag Heaven sent
Just didn’t look terribly cool
