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A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her. Dr. Bumbutu advised her, “Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, ‘Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!’” She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew to a terrific D-cup.
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn’t recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, “Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.”
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, “Are you a patient of Dr Bumbutu’s?”
“Yes I am. How did you know?”
He winked and whispered, “Hickory dickory dock…”
*****
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”
He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!”
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely…A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k?”
*****
IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Sauvignon Blanc.
Sauvignon Blanc is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Sauvignon Blanc almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living.
Sauvignon Blanc may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth and a desire to sing karaoke and play all-night rounds of strip poker, truth or dare, and naked twister.
WARNINGS:
The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may:
make you think you are whispering when you are not;
cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them;
cause you to think you can sing;
make you think you can converse enthusiastically with members of the opposite sex without spitting;
create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Please feel free to share this important information with as many women as you feel may benefit! Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Pinot Noir…
*****
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage.
“Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?”
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanics straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asks, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open it’s heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?”
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic, “Try doing it with the engine running.”
*****
A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and NHS paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a garage mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying: “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.”
The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”
After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”
******
A G.P, now an old geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said:
Dr. Geezer’s clinic!
Get your treatment for £500, if not cured, get back £1,000.
Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to
get £1,000. So he went to Dr.Geezer’s clinic.
Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: “Aaagh! This is petrol!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be £500.”
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t, – that is petrol!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be £500.”
Dr. Young (after having lost £1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak – I can hardly see anything!
Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so here’s your £1000 back.” (giving him a £10 note)”
Dr. Young: “But this is only £10!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be £500.”
Moral of story – Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an “old Geezer”!
