IRISH CONFESSION
I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.
On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
When the Priest came in, I said to him, “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”
The Priest replied, ”You moron! You’re on my side.”
Some Light Dublin Traffic Humor
A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. “Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins” shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are; show them your cross.”
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts,”Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off.” She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough?”
AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely naked.”
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll”
The other answered, “I don’t know – I thoughtyou were watching the dice.”
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are drunks.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men….are men.
Mick says to Paddy: “Close your curtains the next time you’re shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”
Paddy says: “Well the joke’s on them stupid bastards, because I wasn’t even home yesterday.”
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Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they decide to take them to a police station.
Mick: “Paddy, what if one explodes before we get there?”
Paddy: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”
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Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish.“I think it’s got epilepsy”,he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says, it seems calm enough to me”.
Mick says,”I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”
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Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says “For God’s sake Paddy, that’s your air freshener swinging about!”
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Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced,”Not guilty.’
“That’s grand!” shouted Reilly. “Does that mean I can keep the money?”
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An old Irish farmer’s dog goes missing and he’s inconsolable.
His wife says: “Why don’t you put an ad in the paper?”
The farmer does. Two weeks later the dog is still missing.
“What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.
“Here boy” he replies.
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Paddy’s in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
“What the hell you doing?”he asks.
“Hanging myself”,Paddy replies.
“It should be around your neck” says the Guard.
“I know”,says Paddy, “but I couldn’t breathe.”
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The Tour Director asks an Irishman: “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the Irishman replies: “Well, if they fell forwards, they’d still be in the bloody boat wouldn’t they?”
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Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he’s very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
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Finnegin: “My wife has a terrible habit of staying up ’til two o’clock in the morning. I can’t break her out of it.”
Keenan: “What on earth is she doin’ at that time of morning?”
Finnegin: “Waitin’ for me to come home.”
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He phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.‘Quick!’ he said.‘Send an ambulance, my wife is goin’ to have a baby!’
‘Tell me, is this her first baby?’the intern asked.
‘No, this is her husband, Kevin.’
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Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
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My Mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life; and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
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The judge says to a double-homicide defendant: “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You b*stard!”
The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer…”
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You rotten b*stard!”
The judge stops the proceeding and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom:”Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?”
Paddy stands up and says, “I’m sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I’ve lived next door to that a*sehole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer he said he didn’t have one.”
