Just ‘Old’ Jokes

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to “make a difference” in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other “seniors” who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Schlumberg is such a person. This is quoted from Harold:

 

“I’ve often been asked, ‘What do you do now that you’re retired?

 

“Well…I’m fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whisky into urine.

 

“It’s rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it.”

 

Harold is an inspiration to all of us!

*****

Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, living in Perth, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.

 

Jack addresses the man behind the counter, “Are you the owner?”

The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

Jack: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”

Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”

Jack: “How about medicine for circulation?”

Pharmacist: “All kinds”

Jack: “Medicine for rheumatism?”

Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jack: “How about suppositories?”

Pharmacist: “You bet!”

Jack: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer’s?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”

Jack: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”

Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jack: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”

Pharmacist: “We sure do…”

Jack: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”

Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”

Jack: “Adult incontinence pants?”

Pharmacist: “Sure.”

Jack: “Then we’d like to use this store for our wedding presents list…”

******

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The Madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, “Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference.”

 

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home, the first man says, “You know, I think my girl was dead.”

 

“Dead?” says his friend. “Why do you say that?”

 

“Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.”

 

His friend said, “Could be worse, I think mine was a witch.”

 

“A witch? Why the hell would you say that?”

“Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite. Then she farted and flew out of the window. She took my teeth with her.”

*****

Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury’s store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I’m now banned from Sainsbury’s.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

Forward this especially to all your retired friends. it will be their laugh for the day

*****

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath.. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”

The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.”

She starts up the stairs and pauses “Was I going up the stairs or down?”

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful,” she knocked on wood.

She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

*****

An elderly lady called 000 on her mobile phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the operator: “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried.

 

The operator said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.”

 

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. “Disregard,” he says. “She got in the back-seat by mistake.”

*****

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn’t it?”

“No,” the second man replied, “It’s Thursday…”

And the third man chimed in, “So am I. Let’s have a beer.”

*****

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, “Supersex.”

 

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex.”

 

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.”

*****

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”

 

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, “Then you used to kiss me.”

 

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, “Then you used to bite my neck.”

 

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. “Where are you going?” she asked.

 

“To get my teeth!”

*****

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!”

 

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An elephant?”

 

Bessie thinks a minute and says, “Close enough.”

*****

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

 

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”

 

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

*****

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, ” Vernon, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!”

 

“Hell,” said Vernon, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

*****

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

 

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.” After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”

 

Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh! Am I driving?”

*****

Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway. “Sixty is the worst age to be,” says the 60-year-old, “You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens.”

 

“Ah, that’s nothing,” says the 70-year-old. “When you’re 70, you don’t have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the lavatory all day and nothing happens.”

 

“Actually,” says the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”

 

“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asks the 60-year-old.

 

“No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse…no problem at all.”

 

“Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?”

 

“No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am.”

 

Puzzled by this, the 60-yar-old says, “Let’s get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and poop every morning at 6.30 am. So what’s so tough about being 80?”

 

“I don’t wake up until seven.”

*****

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

 

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

 

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’

 

Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?’

*****

An old guy was in Costco the other day, pushing his shopping trolley around, when he collided with a young guy also pushing a trolley. He said to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That’s OK. It’s just a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”

The old guy said, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?”

The young guy says, “Well, she is 24-years-old, tall, with long blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?”

The old guy said, “Doesn’t matter. Let’s look for yours.”

*****

Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury’s buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets andsimply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish setter’s bottom and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I’m now banned from Sainsbury’s.

Better watch what you ask retired people – they have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

*****

A old man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn’t know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

 

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

 

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

 

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

 

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.

 

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

 

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your back side and go as a toffee apple.

*****

Will I Live to see 80?

 

Here’s something to think about.

 

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age. (I just turned 50) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”

 

He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?”

 

“Oh no,” I replied, “I’m not doing drugs, either!”

 

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

 

I said, “Not much. My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”

 

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?”

 

“No, I don’t,” I said.

 

He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or do lots of love?”

 

“No,” I said.

 

He looked at me and said, ‘Then, why do you even worry?”

*****

What is Old?

 

“OLD” is when… sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Choose one, I can’t do both!”

“OLD” is when… your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

“OLD” is when… a fruity babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

“OLD” is when… going ‘unsupported’ pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

“OLD” is when… you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

“OLD” is when… you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

“OLD” is when “getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fibre today.

“OLD” is when… “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.

“OLD” is when… an “all-nighter” means not getting up to wee.

*****

A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD

Ahhhhhh … I’ve forgotten what it was…

*****

 

Defense Lawyer: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 94 years old.

Defense Lawyer: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Lawyer: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Lawyer: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Lawyer: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.

Defense Lawyer: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Lawyer: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Lawyer: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Lawyer: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

Defense Lawyer: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so ‘spicy’ that I just laid down and told him,’Take me, young man. Take me now!’

Defense Lawyer: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, ‘April Fool!’

And that’s when I shot him, the little bounder!

*****

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25-year- old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

 

After the wedding festivities, Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

 

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Roger, Again he is ready for more ‘action’. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

 

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it – Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more ‘action’. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ‘I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.’

 

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says, ‘You mean I was here already?’

*****

An elderly man and woman, both in their 70’s, walk into a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asks, “What can I do for you?”

The man says, “Will you watch us have intercourse?”

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.”

He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says goodbye.

A week later the couple returns and asks the therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after three months of this routine, the doctor says, “I’m sorry, but I have to ask.

Just what are you trying to find out?”

The man says, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA.”

*****

Observations on Growing Older

 

~Your kids are becoming you…and you don’t like them

…but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good. Coming home is better!

~When people say you look “Great”… then add, “for your age!”

~When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything…movies, hotels, flights, but you’re too tired to use them.

~You forget names … but it’s okay because other people forgot they even knew you!

~The five pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

~You realize you’re never going to be really good at anything…especially golf…

~Your other half is counting on you to remember things you don’t remember.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don’t care to do them anymore.

~Your other half sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than they do in bed. It’s called his “pre-sleep”.

~Remember when your mother said, “Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident”? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

~You used to say, “I hope my kids GET married…Now, “I hope they STAY married!”

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” switch.

~When Google, ipod, email, modem were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

~You use use more four letter words …. “what?”…”when?” ?

~Now that you can afford more expensive jewelry, it’s not safe to wear it anywhere.

~Your other half has a night out with friends, but they are home by 9:00pm. Next week it will be 8:30pm.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you’ve read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is “sleeveless”?

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

~Now that your other half has retired…you’d give anything if they would find a job.

~You have three sizes of clothes in your wardrobe…two of which you will never wear.

~But old is good in some things: old songs, old movies and best of all OLD FRIENDS.

*****

An 80-year-old, slightly confused, old man goes for a medival. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, “George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

 

George replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

 

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George’s wife.

 

“Ethel, George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof! The light goes off.”

Ethel screams. “Oh my God! He’s peeing in the fridge again!”

*****

A group of 40 years old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

 

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

 

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

 

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

 

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen; it would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

*****

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, “I don’t think you should take one Dad; they’re very strong  and very expensive.”

“How much?” asked Grandpa.

“£10.00 a pill,” answered the son.

“I don’t care,” said Grandpa, “I’d still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I’ll put the money under the pillow.”

Later the next morning, the son found £110 under the pillow.

He called Grandpa and said, “I told you each pill was £10, not £110.

“I know,” said Grandpa. “The hundred is from Grandma!”

*****

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, ‘Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!’

 

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, ‘Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here.’

 

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. ‘Whew!’ says the leopard, ‘That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!’

 

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the entire scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, ‘Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!’

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, ‘What am I going to do now?’, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: ‘Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!’

Moral of this story…Don’t mess with old folk…

*****

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling. Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, ‘He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.’

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old making love would surely be asking for trouble. ‘Oh no, my dear,’ replied granny. ‘Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.’

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, ‘He’d still be alive if the ice cream van hadn’t come along.’

*****

A guy is 70 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, ‘Pick me up.’ He looked around and couldn’t see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ‘Pick me up.’

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, ‘Are you talking to me?’

The frog said, ‘Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!’

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, ‘What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.’

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, ‘Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.’

*****

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160kph; enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

“Amazing!” he thought as he flew down the N1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

“I can get away from him – no problem!” thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180kph, then 220, then 240kph. Suddenly, he thought, “What on earth am I doing? I’m too old for this nonsense!”

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver’s side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 10

minutes. Today is Friday and I’m taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied,”Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day, Sir,” said the policeman.

*****

There are three ladies in a sauna

 

Three women, two younger and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. “That was my pager,” she said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”

 

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”

 

The older woman felt very low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.

 

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The older woman finally said, “Well, will you look at that? I’m getting a fax!”

*****

Old Thoughts

 

Wouldn’t you love to say to somebody, ‘Wipe your mouth, there is just the tiniest amount of bullshit around your lips’?

AND ‘There is NO vaccine against stupidity!’

AND ‘I am ready to listen.  Are you ready to think?’

AND ‘Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable?  Like a coma!’

AND ‘Aren’t you just the most adorable black hole of need?’

AND ‘Shhhhh…that is the sound of nobody caring what you think’

AND ‘Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?’

AND ‘I don’t know what your problem is, but I bet it is hard to pronounce’

AND ‘If you have something to say, think first OR raise your hand and put it over your mouth’

AND ‘You are not yourself today and I noticed the improvement immediately’

AND ‘I’m busy now can I ignore you at some other time?’

AND ‘Don’t let your mind wander it is too small to be let out on its own!’

AND ‘I hear that you changed your mind.  What did you do with the nappy?’

AND ‘I’d like to help you out.  Which way did you come in?’

AND ‘If you woke up breathing, congratulations.  You have another chance.’

AND ‘Never go to bed angry.  Stay up and plot your revenge!’

AND ‘Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.’

*****

 

An elderly couple are at church. About halfway through the church service, she writes a note and hands it to her husband. It says: “I just let out a silent fart, what should I do?”

He scribbles back, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid!”

*****

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob, “If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts.”

*****

I took my dad to the shops the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?’

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

‘Got drunk once, and made love with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.’

*****

An old man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem as he was unable to get his manhood erect. The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there  was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he was willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his ‘old fella’.

 

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without any love life was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

 

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being  extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his thing sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

 

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, ‘That was incredible! Can you do that again?’

 

With tears in his eyes he replied, ‘I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit in my back side.’

*****

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit. “May I see the new baby?” I asked

“Not yet,” she said. “I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, “May I see the new baby now?”

“No, not yet,” She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, “May I see the baby now?”

“No, not yet,” replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, “Well, when can I see the baby?”

“When he cries!” she told me.

“When he cries?” I demanded. “Why do I have to wait until he cries?”

“Because I forgot where I put him, okay?!”

*****

A very elderly gentleman (mid 90s), very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

 

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady (mid 80s). The gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?”

*****

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor, and the doctor fitted him with a set of hearing aids that permitted him to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman returned to the doctor a month later. The doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect.  Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

 

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

*****

 

‘Next Life’ by Woody Allen

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day.

 

You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school.

You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last nine months floating in luxurious spa like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!

****

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree, when one turns to the other and says, “Slim, I’m 83-years-old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”

 

Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”

 

“Really? Like a newborn baby?”

 

“Yep, No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants!”

*****

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.

Bob Hope

*****

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Parliament.

Will Rogers

*****

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

Winston Churchill

*****

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

Phyllis Diller

*****

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.

Billy Crystal

*****
The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out!
*****

 

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house. After eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”

The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”

The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know…the one that’s red and has thorns.”

“Do you mean a rose?”

“Yes, that’s the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

*****

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed, with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.

 

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.”I don’t know, he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom, changing out of her hospital gown.”

*****

A couple in their 90s, are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a check up. The doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

 

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, “Where are you going?”

“To the kitchen,” he replies.

“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

“Sure.”

“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks.

“No, I can remember it.”

“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. You’d better write it down because you know you’ll forget it.”

He says, “I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, so you’d better write it down!” she retorts.

Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!”

 

Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, “Where’s my toast?”

*****

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year-old buddy: “So I hear you’re getting married?”

“Yep!”

“Do I know her?”

“Nope!”

“This woman, is she good looking?”

“Not really.”

“Is she a good cook?”

“Naw, she can’t cook too well.”

“Does she have lots of money?”

“Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”

“Well then, is she good in bed?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”

“Because she can still drive!”

*****

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?”
Second one says, “No, it’s Thursday!”
Third one says, “So am I. Let’s go get a beer.”

*****

A man was telling his neighbour, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
“Really,” answered the neighbour. “What kind is it?”
“Twelve thirty.”

*****

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, and painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”
“No,” he replied, “arthritis.”

*****

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?”

“98,” she replied.

“Two years older than me.”

“So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented.

She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?

*****

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman. “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked.

She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

*****

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

*****

 

I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes, I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, I have poor circulation and I can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

 

But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

*****

 

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.

******

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Tesco.

“Tesco?” the preacher exclaimed.  “Why Tesco?”

“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week”

*****

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

*****

It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

*****

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

 

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra ones are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

 

I’m going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

 

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye; they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

 

At the end of the day:

The car isn’t washed,

The bills aren’t paid,

There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

The flowers don’t have enough water,

There is still only one cheque in my cheque book,

I can’t find the remote,

I can’t find my glasses,

And I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

 

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail.

Don’t laugh – if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!

 

Growing older is mandatory, growing up is optional. Laughing at yourself is therapeutic.

 

P.S. I just remembered. I left the water running in the driveway.

*****

Senior Exercises

The Doc told me to start an exercise program.  Not wanting to harm this old body, I’ve devised the following:

Beat around the bush

Jump to conclusions

Climb the walls

Wade through the morning paper

Drag my heels

Push my luck

Make mountains out of molehills

Hit the nail on the head

Bend over backwards

Jump on the Band Wagon

Run around in circles

Advise the Prime Minister on how to run the country

Toot my own horn

Pull out all the stops

Add fuel to the fire

Open a can of worms

Put my foot in my mouth

Start the ball rolling

Go over the top

Pick up the pieces.

Kneel in prayer

Bow my head in thanksgiving

Uplift my hands in praise

Hug someone and encourage them.

What a Workout!

*****